I started breastfeeding and it all went swimmingly, I read many differing views online and decided that feeding on demand was the way to go. Babies aren't able to communicate and if they're hungry then they must need milk because they're growing so fast and that can only be a good thing, right?

Wrong.

What I am now dealing with and have been for the last three weeks is a baby who snacks. Constantly. And as much as I want her to be happy and thrive I also want to keep my sanity. It started with a shopping trip to ikea, Effie was crying for a feed, I went to the breastfeeding area and started feeding her, there was another lady in there already with her son happily feeding away, very still, very relaxed, my little bobblehead was on, off, on, off, on again then off. We were there for approximately 7 minutes, she probably fed for 4 of those minutes. All the time the little boy next to us stayed very still contently sucking away.

She was still moaning, not because she was too hot or too cold I checked both, she wasn't under stimulated or over stimulated because I tried the usual tricks for both, she wasn't tired because he had been asleep for quite a while not long before her crying started, I went to check her nappy in the baby change and she cried hysterically. I tried to soothe her and she started sucking on my shoulder, So I tried feeding her again and she was happy to feed. For five minutes. Then done again.

You see the problem with demand feeding is that the baby learns that they can feed whenever they want as much as they want, they may not actually fill up. And when they then have a growth spurt and need to feed more they might feed for a couple of minutes more but chances are they'll add a feed or two throughout the day. It is not practical to be feeding a baby 10 or 12 times a day for three months solid. But through the demand feeding method that is exactly what I got.

I have spent the last week attempting to regulate her feeding with a proper routine (thanks to the baby whisperer) we are gradually stretching her out to three hourly feeds and she sleeps for longer and better at night. We still have a long way to go but it's a start. There is already damage that can't be undone and that is to me mentally, I made the momentous decision to add in some bottle feeding using formula instead of expressed milk. It doesn't sound like the most controversial decision in the world but actually these days it is.

The pressure placed upon women these days to exclusively breast feed for at least six months is huge. My friend attended NCT classes recently and the teacher wasn't supposed to cover bottle feeding at all, luckily she covered it at the request of the class as it turns out my friend couldn't breast feed. After staying in hospital for a few days it became apparent that breastfeeding just wasn't an option for her and happily her and her new baby began bottle feeding. Are we supposed to just keep women in hospital if they can't breast feed just to increase statistics? Surely the best thing for mother and baby is that they are both happy? Breast might be best for baby but if it isn't mentally a good decision for the mother she shouldn't be made to feel guilty.

Because that's exactly what I feel, guilty that I'm giving Effie formula, I feel a failure because I have introduced bottle feeding into our routine.

But she is happier. She is more content. She is cooing and gurgling more. Making chatty little noises more frequently. Attempting to roll over. Finding her hands and grabbing things. We are also sure she's started to teeth.

A happy baby is happy regardless of how it's fed, a happy baby is happy because it has a happy mother who isn't pressured and stressed. And in my opinion feeding on demand compounds that stress and difficulty.

We have managed to get Effie to take up to 120ml of formula to date, that's the recommended amount for a baby half her age. So if you have a 13 week old who is still demand feeding 10 to 12 times a day, bear in mind that actually with a routine they could be feeding 5 to 6 times a day. Imagine what you and your baby could be doing in that time, learning, developing, sleeping! Lovely!!

 

And was disappointed by what I could see. I suppose as all women do I've never really rated myself highly in the looks department but I've always tried to take pride in my appearance. But since having Effie I have completely forgotten myself.

My roots are inches long, the last time I painted my toe nails was before I gave birth (and I am still wearing the remnants of that polish), not to mention my previous body hair removal routine that has completely gone out of the window in the last 11 weeks.

I found myself in the queue at the post office with my (clean) hair scraped back into a unfashionable messy mid bun with no make up on, my outfit not really matching and realising that I'm wearing uggs everyday.

What happened to me?

I am prioritising my little bundle of gorgeousness, the one who looks cute even when she's just thrown up everywhere. I guess that's part of what being a mum is all about, being selfless and putting someone else's needs before your own. In one way I am proud that I have managed to end up outside the house without make up and without my hair hiding my face. Truthfully I was never brave enough before Effie came along, too worried what other people might think, afraid of judgement.

That disappeared the moment I had my baby, I found that most people were just impressed that I had merely managed to leave the house at all (do lots of women just hibernate?).

So for now I will embrace my new found skill of being unselfconscious. But I will also remember that its time to let Dean help me when he offers, I don't have to just insist I'm fine and carry on as I am. He wants to have her more, he misses her when he's at work during the day, misses out on all the new little things she keeps doing. Maybe that's where my selfishness has manifested, I keep Effie all to myself too much, I want her all to myself because I love her so. But I didn't make her alone.

So time to hand her over, go upstairs and run a bath. I might even sort out those toenails.

 

Given that 2013 was focused on having a baby by counting down the weeks, days and hours left until maternity leave, buying little outfits and decorating the entire house ready for the little arrival I think its time to find some focus for 2014.

1. Make a budget and stick to it.

Maternity pay does not cover all of my bills, so my entire savings will be making up the deficit. Worth every penny. But I also need to make sure that I can get as much time out of my savings as possible. So it's time to make a budget and stick to it. Time to find things to do for free. Time to plan out our food shopping without spending a fortune and being left with lots of things that go past their sell by date before I think about cooking them!

2. Learn some professional skills.

I have spent most of my working life in retail, I have progressed, I earn a very nice amount of money but I work hideously long hours in a busy shop and find myself physically and mentally tired every day. So, in order to help me find a job in another industry I am going to be learning some professional skills. Microsoft office is another language to me and its a language I will be learning in 2014.

3. Get my creative mojo back.

Before I fell into my job I studied art and design, I loved it. I loved making things. I loved the processes of creating, technical and theoretical. I will be making things. I will stop spending money on things and will make them instead.

4. Not be so lazy.

I will write more often. I will plan my days more successfully. I will stay on top of my household chores. I will be on time more often.

5. Set some goals.

Upon reading one of my favourite blogs recently the concept of a bucket list hit me. I have never had one. Sure I've had things in my head that I've always thought about but I've never really been definitive about what those things are. Time to write a bucket list of my own.

I hope I can fulfill these goals this year. I've tried to be more realistic, none of the get fit, lose weight, win the lottery type goals! Fingers crossed, determined head on.

 

At this time of year we always look back at the year just passed and reflect. For me the year was clearly divided personally and professionally.

Professionally it was my most challenging year ever, changes in my work place affected me more than I could imagine. Faced with a living hell whilst pregnant I could only count down the days to maternity leave, my emotions were all over the place not only because of the hormones but because I felt bullied in a place where I had once felt so happy. Things change and thankfully bosses move on and I hope that when the time comes for me to return to working I can either find something new and exciting that fits in better with my family life or that many of the problems have disappeared with the person that caused them.

Personally it was my best year ever, my relationship with my husband became stronger, my step daughter flourished and I became a mother to my own baby. When everything was going badly elsewhere I could rely on those people to keep me going, even if it was as simple as Ella telling me jokes from her Harry Hill book, I am glad I have them.

I am looking forward to a happier, more productive year ahead.


Betty Loo Laa